Lemonman

Lemonman wondered about the injustices of the world. He liked to think of these things. It made him happy. He sat on a bed of nailed broken polystyrene. He knew the fumes would only make him sick, but still he sat and pondered. Mincing, almost. His brain was too full of potent imagery to be mincing, Mincing being, as I understand it - to be doing nothing.

These injustices made him depressed but by wondering on them, he found it gave him a reason. He felt bored and lay down. The polystyrene crunched under his weight. He lay and gazed at the sky, a dark green sky. Between the clouds he saw spots of yellow - the sulphur in his coffee had started to work. Lemonman leant across, over his clothes to grab the knife that lay by his book on nodules.

Taking the knife in one hand he drew a strip down his leg, creating a red stripe in the fatty flesh of his thigh. He always felt clean when blood letting and this was no exception. He felt fresh and new like the breeze had suddenly grown warm and enveloped him in it's misty aroma. He rubbed the open wound, then washed his hands in the bowl of cold water by his bed.

He stood up, the thin blood leaked onto his foot and soaked into the crushed polystyrene floor. A beating at the wall let him know Donald was back from the surgeon. His head probably bound and wrapped.

Oh the injustice. Lemonman rubbed the back of his neck and made his way to the small chair in the corner. He sat down and observed the patches of red marking the floor. The bowl of water now pink and bitty. He pressed the buzzer.
"What?" said the speaker.
"I want some food." said he
"What?" repeated the speaker.
"Potatoes. Salted ones and some gravy too."
"Wait.". The speaker fizzed and died.

A beating at the wall let him know Donald was not feeling better after being to the surgeon. The crack of the door-box opening echoed round the small cell. Lemonman swung open the panel and took the plate. On it were 3 roast potatoes in gravy.
"Thank you." he said
Donald's moaning and banging grew more frequent.

He sat quietly wondering and slowly squeezed the crunchy potatoes until the soft white middles squidged out into the warm gravy. He took his fork from his bedside draw and began to eat. Ummm. Potatoes. This was a treat he would rarely see again now the war was on.

After finishing the soft potato and soaking the gravy up with his hair, Lemonman took the roast skins of the potatoes and rubbed them into his leg. The salt made the skin sting but he knew it was for the best.

The darkness had crept upon the night and the clouds were no longer visible. The yellow spots in his vision were larger and greener now. He washed his hands in the pink water and put the potato skins back on the plate, then put the plate back in the door-box.

Outside (outside, outside) a crow settled on the aluminium grill separating the visitors from the rest of the world. It pulled at the rinds of bacon poking through and gazed down at the figure of Lemonman laid on his floor of polystyrene. The crow took a strip of bacon and flew away into the dark.

On the hill a boy sat. He was six. He held in his hand a wooden stick and a piece of string. He rubbed his tired eyes and fed the string down into the small hole by his feet. A moment later he withdrew it. Attached to the end was a minute television. He took the TV and put in in his pocket. Slowly he lowered the stick into the hole and sure enough another TV was attached to the end when he withdrew it. He placed this TV in his other pocket. Then he turned and left for home.

The Big Race

by Prof. Froz Scrote'um & Dr.Chuckles Sackit


I Once took part in a race
But soon fell on my face
I once tried to fly a balloon
Put fell back to earth to soon
I landed right on my funny bone
So laughed and cried on the way home
I bled to death later in the bath
from the injuries in my back.

The Big Adventure

by Prof. Froz Scrote'um & Dr.Chuckles Sackit


One day me and Bob went to the park
we played away till it got dark.
Then we went home, straight to bed
and separately rested our sleepy head.
The next morn' we woke up bright and fresh
For breakfast we ate donkey flesh.
And then a cup of Tea or juice
Followed by boots tied very loose.
Then we tried on scraggy clothes
and picked the bogeys from our nose
And to them tied some bits
of string and wore them on a chain or ring.

Book of Ugly

by Froz Scrote'um & Dr. Chuckles Sackit

I collect ugly people
I find them great to collect
And when I find an ugly person
I go into a frenzy and make them my sweat pets

I like to stamp them in a book
so all my friends can take a look.
and see and we and take a look
the ugly people in my book

Freaks like u are real rare
and women with facial hair
look at you and take a stare
The ugly people in my book

Anonamouse

by Froz Scrote'um & Dr. Chuckles Sackit

Dexstah was a fine young man
He lived at home with his nan.
For the thing that Dexstah like's the best
Is the bum fluff on his chest.

And ever after he plucked is so
And surfed his belly in the snow.
For snow was Dexstah's favourite weather
He liked it more than bondage leather.

He loved the cold upon his chest
He liked to keep some in his vest.
So this is now Dexstah's tale
Because he's gone abroad on winged sail

But the plane crashed in Peru
And Dek was found with pants of poo
And so the legend of Dexstah now stands
Never wipe ones arse with both hands.

A Tale of Horror and Suspense

by Prof. Froz Scrote'um & Dr. Chuckles Sackit

One fine day (Name Censored for Legal Reasons) was walking into a nasty great big storm. Little did he know that an evil race of half snail, half taxman killers were hot on his heels. (Name Censored for Legal Reasons) sensed they were there but didn't think to look down and remove them. Slowly the snail/taxmen began to devour a finely cooked meal of steak eggs and lard before taking a quick nap to sleep off the fine banquet they had just consumed. Knowing this and with hawk-like dexterity, (Name Censored for Legal Reasons) slapped his buttocks together with such ferocity that the snail/taxmen were shaken from their small mansion, out the back door, passed the shed, travelling east for several miles, turning left at Bengal only to land in a giant pile of hoss's shit, freshly laid by the farmer. So, ridding his journey of deadly killers (Name Censored for Legal Reasons) set off some fireworks to celebrate. In the night he slept with his teddy in a tent made of sticks and bracken.

He awoke the next morn to find... nothing. Everything had been tea-leafed, the sky, the trees, his tent, everything. Well now that (Name Censored for Legal Reasons) had nothing left he decided that it was probably time to brush his teeth. "GGGRRRRRRR" said his stomach, which was strange, as it had been stolen. "Today I shall limp" said (Name Censored for Legal Reasons). So off he went limping off like someone with a limp, until he got tired and decided to walk normal again. So he got his chain and took normal for a walk. The walk past. (Name Censored for Legal Reasons) tripped him up and a fight broke out.

Fraggle Rock

A dialogue between Prof. Froz Scrote'um and Nurse Knumbahumba.


S: Today we shall be discuss-ing the phenomenom menace. A film largely blamed for the emergence of Fraggle Rock.

K: nice.

S: Thank you, Nurse. Fraggle Rock is an evil, hard-hitting and potentially hairy musical form. It must be eradicated before the time of fangs and children in armour and then we shall take over and describe the results of never understanding that wrestling was really pool.

K: May I just ask you a question about flies food?

S: No. Yes. I mean no. Oh go on then, you know how I adore that great old species we call the fly.

K: Do flies fart on their food?

S: Of course they do every one knows that. Even I fart on my food!

K: Great......... Newts! Newts are nicer than grapefruits top-bits! How about a wrestle?

S: I'm absolutely out of this world! Bogsy being Fraggle Rock with his millions.... and millions of..... fangs? Ha! haaaaa! My God!! I never knew I was a Werefraggle!

K: Can I be Jet the Shit-Man Fart?

S: Right! And there off and it's a strange smelling foot lock from the shit-man! Oh.. Easily side stepped by the Rock, and it's under the ropes and down the ramp for me my dear! Your a crowdy one now aren't you?

K: No. I'm purple jon the pipers sorting box.

S: Errrrrrrr...... III' MM MMM SS SO OORRR YY Y YY !!! ! ! TTH IS RRO C C KK DRILL ISSS S S S GETTt Tt Ingg A AAaa BBIT TTt tt RooWWDD D D dy!!! !! !

K: nice.

S: Thank God that's Dover, I thought we'd be out here forever.

Sackit & Scrote'um argue... Wood or Metal?

by Prof. Froz Scrote'um & Dr. Chuckles Sackit

FS: Wood is better because it is brown and life's essentials are brown; Poo - without poo our insides would bloat and make us sick and; Trees - without trees there would be no oxygen and no firewood and no paper to wipe our poo with.

CS: Bullshit.

FS: What?

CS: How do bulls wipe there asses then? mmm? They've got no hands and in order to avoid an encrusted rectum, must construct anal wiping devices from metal.

FS: Yes, but like all machinery, these devices are cumbersome and malfunctioning and one day might cause a nasty accident by anally skewering the bull with a harsh metal poker which would have hramlessly broken if made from balsawood!

CS: Yes, but with the continual lubrication from the mighty bull's anus balsawood would slowly lose it's rigidity!

FS: Yes but soft, soggy wood creates small homes for weevils, worms and beetles that dwell around the anus of cattle. Rusty metal bottom prodders are not only abrasive to the skin but are no shelter for anal wildlife.

The Witty Bugger's Dictionary

by Dr.Chuckles Sackit & Prof. Froz Scrote'um

The Witty Bugger's Dictionary
A concise yet condensed guide to language.


denote; (a) to unwrite a memo. (b) to do nowt.

nowt; (a) the absence of "wt". (b) a newt of the minute.

absence; (a) common sense held in the abdominals..

manner; (a) someone who makes men.

universal;(a) a versal with one wheel. (b) a man called Allen who is like, in appearance, a universe.

symbol; (a) to walk with an unsteady limp.

unsteady; (a) a day in which we celibrate "unstead". (b) a teddy bear belonging to the United Nations.

celibrate; (a) what monks' are. (b) a rate on which celebrities are payed.

monk; (a) a small monkey. (b) the word "monkey" to someone who can't say more than one syllable.

newt; (a) to surgically make impotent. (b) a previously unavailible nowt.

impotent; (a) the tent in which newted people sleep. (b) a phrase used when your potent. (c) a tent in which an imp frolics.

sleep; (a) what happens when you run accross a wet floor.

floor; (a) to beat and cain with rug or carpet. (b) an ore with floral decoration or wings.

cain; (a) a "c" in pain. (b) to kinkey whip.

kinkey whip; (a) to lash with flex the key of kin (b) icecream used with sexual intension.

whip; (a) to girate or froth cream or other dairy products with a whisk. (b) Indiana Jones' only weapon angainst the viscious tribes and dangerous animals of the jungle.

flex; (a) an ex-flea.

. ; (a) a universal symbol used to denote the end of a sentence. (b) A camel from a long distance.

uphill garden; (a) to tend to flowers crops or shrubbery upon an incline.

yer; (a) to exclaim in disbelief. (b) to be of "yours", such as "move yer arse!".

disbelief; (a) to mess with someone's faith.

suck; (a) to inhale orally, thereby creating suction which attracts nearby matter. (b) to be really bad.

matter; (a) the occupation of making annoying welcome mats. (b) the act of beating a female with a small course rug.

orally; (a) to beat Ally about the head with a boats ore. (b) to lie down utilising the mouth.

hence; (a) to create a hedge or fence from chickens. (b) to sword fight using a very thin, long hedge.

To to; (a) to have designs placed into the skin. (b) an inconspicuos way of describing taking a shit.

knob; (a) to shag, bang, fuck, screw, have, do, pump, bugger or any other kind of sexual penetration. (b) to poke with the penis.

course; (a) to navigate around. (b) to swear or verbally abuse.

navigate around; (a) to sucessfully steer about a spherical object. (b) the act of avoiding buying everyone a pint.

everyone a pint; (a) to be stood in a room of midgets.

midget; (a) to get in the middle. (b) to midg extra terrestrials.

thing; (a) to sing with a lisp. (b) a very slim "G".

act; (a) a phrase used to bring forth phlegm from the throat. (b) the German word for "eight" used to bring forth phlegm from the throat, sometimes into the oncoming face of a possible attacker.

german; (a) a race of people who live in Germany. (b) the fusion of man and gerbil.

gerbil; (a) the bill for "gerring".

moosolar; (a) scale used for singing practice. (b) a cow that runs on solar power.

penis; (a) to spell "Denis" wrongly.

froth; (a) substance emitted from one's mouth when having a fit. (c) the result of gene splicing between frog and moth.

mouth; (a) to eat, consume or devour orally. (b) when the "n" in "month" dies.

organism; (a) discrimination against organs.

Amphoronomous Spacial Identity Diagramatically Sound Investigation

by Prof. Froz Scrote'um. Photo: Prof da Inspecta

The consumation of time by human body is due to an exterior force other than what we know. This force I shall name "John". No make that "Bruce". Any way, Bruce is a powerful force inhabiting only the greatest of people. This is why most people are late. To be a great person you must do three things. These are: 1) Hold cups of tea with the left hand when removing hair from the head. 2) Hold the tea as steadily as possible when nearing stairs. 3) Carry at all times a selection of fine young cannibals, just inside the jacket or coat, by the inside pocket (If you do not own a jacket or coat with an inside pocket you can never hope to be great).

The photograph you see above is of such a great person. He holds his tea correctly and appropriately and has some of the best fine young cannibals available. As you can see he is clearly in contact with Bruce and is always spot on time. Incidentally he also has a fine selection of old cannibals and hamster pelts. His identity has been disguised using the latest technology in order to provide highest comfort while in disguise. He is of course a great guy.

Eztreme

by Prof. Froz Scrote'um


Since the loss, many people had been and gone. One was here and then not, another in the sky as company for the departed and a smile for energy.

'It's poetry' he thought as a slick and wafer-thin razor-wire cut out an angled wedge from one of his calf muscles. The puking had since receded and the leaking from his right eye had crusted over with a black beetle.

Strange is a Word With P

by Prof. Froz Scrote'um & Dr. Chuckles Sackit

A year later the king and Rumple were married and Hat the Magic Cat sat near the fire, waiting expectantly. A tea cup fell on his head and knocked off his ears. Which he collected.

A year later the king was wet from the waist down and porous from his left eye to his chinny winwin.

Piglet

by Froz Scrote'um

The small greenwich monster left his home not knowing quite how he'd managed to get his sixteen pound hat off. He'd been stuck in it for over five years and his newly balded head felt as fresh as the bottom of a small child or piglet.

Xxxxxx eve

by Dr. J. Monki. Translated by Froz Scrote'um.

I Dr. J. Monki was spending a quiet night in, last xxxxxx eve, awatching my xxxx xxxxxxx a computer xxxx only known as "Xxxx Xxxxxx", while partaking of the old jazz xxxxxxx. In the aforementioned game, the xxxxxx climbed a rope, not just one but many a rope, and I noticed to my horror the rope went between xxx xxxx but did not come out the other side..... After much thought (2.1 msecs) I paused at the idea that this young xxxx's xxxxx was indeed gobbling up the rope thus aiding in the ascent, Yes xxx had a XXXXX XXXXX! What a brilliant idea! it would be fun for all the family! Xxx and Xxx could use xxx as a xxxxxxx xxx while xxx was a good role model for little Xxxxxxx and hours of bath time joy for young Xxxxx. To these ends I will be marketing a new xxxxXxx-Aracnoid XxxxxXxxxx Xxxx" and hope to have xxx on the shelves (and over the table up, the stairs, infact everywhere) along with xxx very on affiliated xxxxxxx show next xmas. "

Rot the Badger

by Prof. Scrote'um & Dr. Chuckles Sackit

One fine day Rot the Badger found that the air in his room was getting particularly uneven. So, after pondering multiple solutions to his conundrum, he walked over to the opposite side and breathed extreamly hard in a shallow attempt to sort this problem.

After 5 minutes his chicken tikka slippers had been microwaved to a golden cristpy finish by the excess of toxins in his breath. At that moment, Perrywinkle the half-breed monkey / goat fell quite ill after attempting to mix the chicken pox virus with jelly. Later that day Mrya Collchester, ironically from Colchester, burst into flames when re-enacting the famous nudity scene from Beaty and the Beast.

After seven rounds of toast and a slight sanding down of Ms. Collchester's breasts and other important items, the sex began again, only to be rudely interupted by the supporting cast of Oliver. Quite pissed off by the sudden outburst of the Ibola virus, Mr. Collchester quickly burst in to find his wife rubbing monkey grease into her forearms. With that, the stress was too much to take and he rubbed himself down with monkey grease too, which is widely prized for it's medicinal properties. Next on the shopping list was cheddar cheese, but he decided to forget about Safeways for the minute and slipped into the giant pea-pod next to Mr. Beast. "What is ze purpose of Meaning?" asked Mr. Beast. "Well, who the fuck do you think I am?" the Grandfather of All Knowledge replied. "Your the bloody cameraman!" said Mr.Beast "Anyway I wasn't talking to you."

Back at Rot's house his golden cristpy chicken tikka slippers were causing quite a stir among the locals. 'Yum, yum, yum' was the war-chant bellowing from the cookie jar, but no one heard it because a sudden silent had taken over the hens, who now rammed goat's livers down their throats like toasted socks upon the infinite feet of time.