Damien Stetson-Neck

by Dr.Dollarhat

Standing freely on the brink of extinction, grasping the battered remains of his electricity solidifier, Damien Stetson-Neck proceeded to cancel his own existence on Gods great Earth.

It had been an interesting time, to say the least, but Damien was unsure about how much he had achieved. He was certain of what he had achieved, and how he had come about doing these many splendorous things, but how much of it mattered? How does one measure ones own achievements, outside the suit wearing world of the academic hive mind of modern society. Damien was positive that it had something to do with the effect that your actions have on other people, but then not all that many people in his life mattered that much to him; at least not by the standards of his definition of his achievements at any rate. There was Dexter Mayhew, who had introduced him to the spiralling world of extra-cellular communication through which he had learned to talk in languages unknown yet natural to his tongue, with many of the more conscious organs in his body. His heart, his vital life sustaining organ, revealed to him that the human race was misled by the teachings of Jesus Christ, and that it was not the second coming of the lord that we had been eagerly awaiting over the years, but the first.

For centuries the hearts of every man woman and child had been trying to communicate with undying monotony the essential rhythms of Techno music, but now that it was here the hearts were disappointed through an anti-climatic ignorance; the children of earth were listening to music instead of their hearts, and the world was going to pot.

Also there was Dr Dollarhat, who in a moment of momentous momentality described to Damien from behind his twin sets of amazing dancing teeth the secret behind solidification. With this knowledge Damien had learned to solidify electricity, after vain and psychologically damaging attempts at solidifying light and sound, but the whole venture had meant nothing but tragedy for anybody who was even loosely connected with Damien, be it physically or by some meaningless social relationship based on some aesthetic irrelevance such as drugs, money or gender.

Damiens conscience was becoming a burden more weighty than the splendorous bulk that were his achievements that seemed to lie worthless now on the other end of the scales. The countless number of marsupials and indeed human marsupialists that had lost their lives and more importantly at this time their sanity within the realms of the after world due to Damien's experiments would bring a huge minus number on his sense, and indeed count, of achievement.

According to Dr Johnsons measurement scale of achievement, as a percentage of time spent achieving, an achievement being something that effects directly the lives of another either positively or negatively, Damian had turned out to be a minus number, and used in relation with his figures of Social Standing, Damiens probability of existence was as follows:

3(+10)divided by 25=0.52

(S(+10)divided by A- = Probability of Existence.

Considering these facts, Damien proceeded to close down his brain, not choosing death, but letting the wandering souls of all those whom he had hurt in his lifetime choose him his fate in return for the insult of not being able to choose their own. Mere moments later, Damien's heart ceased dancing................