by Rev. Hatmagic
On October 23rd, 1964, Jeremy Jexxytone began his analysis of straw hats. Feeling that they had previously been over-analysed, he stuck to the original critical method of measuring out five jars of pink straw, five of blue, and five of yellow. Finding that only the yellow straw was useful, and that his years of straw-dyeing had been wasted, he threw away these once beautiful but now outrageous pieces of useless material.
Like an Aardvark in the cold, he reflected upon this years experiments; he concluded that his love life had gone down, his chimpanzees had escaped, and he had aquired a large mole on the edge of his penis. Rhythmically tapping out "So lonely" by the police on his dad's stereo, he reminded himself that it was the stereo he was waging war with, not himself. National values were decreasing, national security in his country was being lost, and he couldn't control it, never had been able to. What was the point of cooking, when he could make microwave dinners which poisoned his mind, his life, and his potential children.
His wife was an oversized, hippopotamus of a woman who had graduated from night school to work as a dental hygienist. Jeremy had stumbled across this infathomable creature when drunk in the morning crossing the road. She had been as plump and as rotten then as she was now. He had met her on the way to his home, after staying with some friends. She had been the lollipop lady. They hadn't made love for six years.
Jeremy was losing his hair. He combed it as gently as he could, so as not to remove the only sign of youth left. He was always preoccupied with the threat, or hope, that cancer might one day overtake his mistake of a wife.